a conversation with my hypervigilance

posting before I change my mind

The following is a stream of consciousness conversation that I had with my hypervigilance part. The conversation has been only lightly edited for grammar, but otherwise it’s raw. Each of us have parts of ourselves that develop over time, often in response to difficult emotions like pain or fear. These parts try to protect us and our wounds. While they once helped us feel safe, they are not always adaptive in our present. By talking to these parts, we can understand them better and work to build healthier patterns (read about therapeutic approach internal family systems which integrates “parts”-work here). Hypervigilance has been a constant in my life due to PTSD and looks like a persistent alertness to my surroundings, other people’s actions and emotions, and my own physical sensations.

photo credit Suzy Hazelwood

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Talia: Hi, hypervigilance. What do you need to feel safe?

Hypervigilance: I need to know that you will be safe.

But I can’t promise that, life is unknown.

That’s not ok with me.

What support did you not receive in the past that made you feel that uncertainty is dangerous?

Anything? Any validation? Emotional support? You went through intense traumas and never spoke to a soul. I was there for you. Your body kept betraying you, and I was there for you keeping disaster at bay. I do not understand why you would ever want me to back down when I have saved you.

You did. Thank you. I don’t think I have thanked you enough.

I appreciate that. Finally. I’m always fighting for you, more than anyone else, and you treat me like an enemy.

Sometimes, now, I do feel like you are my enemy. I feel that you keep me from living my best life.

That’s not kind. I KEEP YOU ALIVE.

I know you have. Thank you for keeping me alive. But sometimes I want to experience life without the constant danger of dying looming over me.

But you are in constant danger of dying.

I know. But so is everyone. I want to live with more peace than you allow me. You make me act from a source of trauma. I don’t want to live as if PTSD is my entire life. I know it’s there, I accept it, I accept you. But you are not my life. I am in the present and I have a lot to offer that you don’t allow me to express because you fear for my safety.

This is upsetting to me.

I know.

What will happen if I back down and you die? Or get hurt? Or someone takes advantage of you?

I don’t know what will happen. I can’t tell the future. But I trust myself now more than I ever have. You make me feel like I can’t trust myself.

I’m sorry. I don’t want that. All I have ever wanted is to protect you.

I know. And you have so, so many times when I was not able to protect myself. But I can now.

So what about me?

I think you will always be there to some extent, but like your twin perfectionism, I’d like for you to rest. There may be an occasional time that I need you, but it will be infrequent. Take a vacation! Go to an all-inclusive resort.

A vacation? You need me.

I might? I might not? I never get a chance to find out because you always jump in full force, making me scared and fearful and on guard.

I didn’t know you felt that way.

I know. That’s why I’m glad we’re having this conversation. But I imagine there will be times when you automatically activate to protect me, what can I say to you during those times if I do actually feel safe?

You can say, “you’re still on vacation. I am safe, and I appreciate you.”

Haha, I can say that. Would that feel supportive?

Yes.

Good. I’m glad we spoke today. Thank you for everything you have done for me. I appreciate you and your time and your energy for so, so, so many years.

I do it because I love you.

I know you do. Let me find love elsewhere now. Let me go.

Ok. Goodbye, Talia.

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reflection for you: is there a part of you that is holding you back? try having a conversation with it, and see if you can reach an understanding. ask the part what it needs to feel safe. ask how it believes it protects you. communicate your needs. can you thank this part?

Want to work with me 1-on-1?

send an email to chronicallythinkingphd@gmail.com

Want to find me other places?

buy me a tea; on instagram; talia’s lists of helpful things; meditate with me on aura health

Some previous posts you may enjoy:

where art thou, ambition?; you can be nice to yourself during a flare; when my body tells me to grieve, i say yes; chronic illness will break your heart