Ask Dr. Talia #1: Should I accept my illness?

personalized answers to reader-submitted questions about illness

Welcome to the first edition of Ask Dr. Talia! This new segments gives paid subscribers the opportunity to submit questions about managing the emotional impact of chronic illness. Questions about experiences that your friends, family, and even therapist may not understand. I’ll answer two reader-submitted questions per month with a personal reflection, research, and tools you can use right now.

Blue Night, London, Joseph Pennell, circa 1894-1909

Hi Dr. Talia,

I always see comments on social media of people saying “don’t make illness your identity,” but it feels like a very big part of my day-to-day life. And when I don’t make it a part of my identity it feels like I’m in denial. I want to accept chronic illness as part of my identity, because it is… But I also find it difficult to accept as part of my identity because of all the societal messages that tell me it would be bad to do that.

Should I accept my illness? And is it healthy for it to be part of my identity?

Thanks,

:) :) :)

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Hi :) :) :),

Thanks for your thoughtful question. It’s one that I believe most people who are adjusting to life with chronic illness face. How do we approach our illness with acceptance while also leaving room for other aspects of our identity? What does it even mean to have an illness identity?

from me

It took me close to a decade to start accepting my illness in a real, honest way. I spent a long time in the rejection identity phase (see research below), where I avoided acknowledging illness as part of who I was. That felt safer than confronting societal norms, disappointing family expectations, and navigating awkward conversations with friends. And for a while, I could get away with that.

But here’s the thing: rejecting illness as part of my identity didn’t make it go away. What it did was lead me to reject accommodations, treatments, and emotional support that I genuinely needed. This is the danger of not integrating illness into our sense of self — it can quietly reinforce shame and body disconnection.

But I won’t lie, embracing illness as part of your identity is not easy. It requires a commitment to managing the emotional toll of people’s misguided views of illness and disability. And sometimes our nervous systems aren’t yet ready for that confrontation. In those cases, there is no pressure to make bold declarations. Instead, you can begin by validating your own illness experience to yourself each day, and repeatedly reminding yourself that your worth is not dependent on performing health or wellness. This is an incredibly meaningful first step.

Here’s what I suggest. 1) From research; 2) For reflection; 3) For practice; and 4) For self-compassion.

from research

In Van Bulck et al.’s article, Illness identity: Capturing the influence of illness on the person’s sense of self, the authors discuss how four types of illness identities can impact how someone is able to manage their treatment, their emotions around health, and improve their quality of life.