on wishing for a different body

the road to body acceptance with chronic illness is long

Can I return my body?

Photo by Transly Translation Agency. ID: Gray mannequins hanging outside a gray building

Sometimes I imagine that there is a store for bodies. A place to return my body and purchase an updated model. A model that isn’t “broken” or “dysfunctional.” The grief of living in my chronically ill body is heavy.

Maybe you’ve had similar thoughts? A yearning for just one day in a healthy body? One day in a body without the persistent hum of pain? One day in a body that allows you to participate easefully in the activities that are meaningful to you? Or maybe longer than a day? A year? A lifetime?

Our experiences shape us.

When I really think about it, there’s no body I would prefer to my own. Writer B.J. Neblett said, “We are the sum total of our experiences. Those experiences – be they positive or negative – make us the person we are.” I agree, and I like who I am.

Living in a sick body provides me with a unique perspective that has ultimately led to life-changing insights. I’d like to share three ways my perspective has changed as a result of illness and then I’ll challenge you to think through the same in your life. There are some additional reflection questions in italics.

1. Being sick has taught me to slow down. My Type A Personality kept me overcommitted and constantly moving for the better part of two decades. I couldn’t understand people who weren’t always doing something! I look back on that younger Talia now, and debilitating chronic illness (especially one that kept me bed-bound for many months) seems like an ironic slap in the face. While I wouldn’t say being unable to leave my bed reliably for nine months was “worth it,” I am undoubtedly grateful for my newfound ability to rest, take proactive breaks, spend time alone with myself, and sit with my thoughts and emotions no matter if they are positive or negative. Regardless of what level of functioning and ability awaits me in the future, I will bring the ability to slow down with me (yes, it’s an ability). Ask yourself: at what speed have I lived my life? Has this changed with my experience of illness? What story do I tell myself about this change?

2. Being sick has helped me detach from the expectations of a capitalist society and has allowed me to embody that productivity is not my worth. What is interesting about being wrapped up in the productivity-as-worth mindset, is that it actually takes away the major benefits of being productive. Productivity can foster purpose, pride, and passion (that’s a lot of p’s!). But the productivity-as-worth mindset takes away these positive “p” feelings because the goal post to accomplishment consistently shifts (e.g., there’s always more money to make, another job promotion to get, more followers to have). Productivity should be a reflection of the reality of what our bodies can manage without causing unnecessary physical or emotional distress. If you are too sick to work, then the productive action is to rest. Ask yourself: how do I relate to productivity? What feelings come up for me when I think about lack of productivity?

3. Being sick has required me to address my perfectionism and the ways attempts at perfect detract from living my life fully. Perfectionism was a farce I used to convince myself that I had control over what happened to my body, because it was easier than the truth that there was nothing I could have done to stop chronic illness. When I finally accepted that I had very little control over my symptoms, I was able to notice and let go of the drive to be perfect in my treatment plan. By letting go of my illusion of control, my mental health improved because each symptom was no longer evidence that I had done something “wrong.” Dropping the need for perfection in my treatment plan led to dropping perfection in other areas of my life too. Case in point: I started this newsletter! Perfectionism would have stopped me from writing this very post less than six months ago. Ask yourself: do I have the idea that I can heal my illness by behaving perfectly? Are there ways this serves or doesn’t serve me?

So there is room for both grief and gratitude that this sick body is my body. But maybe, just maybe, on some days I’m thankful that there’s no option for returns.

Reflections for you: in what ways has your body impacted your experiences? Both in positive and negative ways? Can you name three ways your body has made you who you are from a loving perspective?

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Did you miss my first post “Chronic Illness Optimism vs. Non-acceptance”?

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Thoughts? I’d love to hear the ways your body has made you who you are in the comments.