on "worthy" time while sick
all time is worthy time, my love
I often feel like I’m running out of time — time until the next flare, the next injury, the next debilitating medication side effect.
What this implicitly implies is that the time I spend in a flare or injured or in pain, is not worthy time — that it's wasted time, keeping me from living my best life.
But that theoretical "best" life is not my real life. In actuality, what is keeping me from living my best life is wishing that my real, present day life were different than it is.
It's spending my days consumed by fear and frustration, fixating on what it means that time is passing while I remain still, sick, sad. Unfortunately, time spent wishing is stolen time and energy spent yearning is stolen energy — both from reserves already in short supply.
Now all emotions — positive or negative — are welcome in my life. I am not implying toxic positivity. Far from it. But I can feel sadness about illness and instead of conceptualizing the sadness as taking away from some theoretical happiness I could experience if I weren't sick, I can just acknowledge it as what it is: sadness, right now. Everyone feels sadness, healthy or sick.
I know behind these thoughts of running out of time is a fear of death — fear of running out of the capital “T” Time before I'm able to experience the life milestones that I want to experience.
And you know what? Thinking about my mortality is welcome too.
While feeling like time is slipping away is a common human phenomenon, when you’ve spent the majority of weeks, months, or years in bed, time passing can feel like hearing nails on chalkboard — visceral full-body unease and an urge to make it stop at all costs.
I can now recognize that I’ve caused myself too much suffering by judging my life based on time — how many days, months, years since I’ve been sick; how long since I’ve done X, Y, or Z; what I had wanted to experience by age 30.
My plan is to ease up bracing for the next flare, injury, or side effect, because I'm missing all the time I have in the present. My present exists while I'm ill, in pain, and in bed — and that present is worthy, too.
Reflection for you: are there certain periods in your life you consider “worthy” or “unworthy”? What is your relationship to time in general? What is your relationship to time when you feel unwell?
this essay, poem-y thing was an expansion of my instagram reel that includes pictures from my life with the essay. check it out here.
I can relate to so much of this. Even now when I am, to all intents and purposes, physically well in this moment (no pain or debilitating symptoms). Even though I am not ill in the physical sense, I have little energy. Enough to read and go for a walk. Communicate with loved ones☺️ (feels good to celebrate this)
The conflict arising is that I have zero energy to “do” anything. So many projects I have huge desire and motivation for. I have my plan ready. Yet no energy to get on with it right now. Not even to schedule any pre written blogs or share the 2 podcasts already recorded.
A lot changed for me the year I realised “I matter. My health matters”. So for now I will sit with how worthy I am just as I am. Thank you for the inspiration 💛🌱
I completely relate to this. Right now I'm having a few good days in the midst of a crash and I am so desperate not to go back. To the pain and discomfort, yes, but to the loss of time, too, I think. Strangely, when I'm in the middle of a flare, I don't feel this way. It is what it is and there's nothing I can do to change it. But when I'm on the edges of it, the fear is there. I hope that makes sense. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece!