"It makes complete sense that people with chronic conditions would tend toward perfectionism. We live in a society that looks at illness as a personal failure, one that suggests that people with chronic illness and chronic pain aren’t trying hard enough to get better, that feeds the delusion that only a certain type of person becomes disabled instead of the truth: that anyone can become disabled at any moment in time. Every. Single. Person."
Whenever someone brings up perfectionism and chronic illness my hackles go up, because usually it is in this context of perfectionism *making* us sick somehow (the idea that we want to be perfect so we burn out or whatever). Which I hate because it feels blamey, like somehow by trying too hard I made myself sick? (How defeating!) But I love how you articulated that its actually the opposite, or at least way more complicated than that (some positive feedback cycle of the two paired together).
Chronic illnesses & chronic perfectionism here. And I’ll admit that starting my Substack @crookedpathstudios flamed those perfectionist tendencies. What I realized building my site and making my first post was that this is an iterative learning process & this platform doesn’t need you to be perfect & polished.
Recovering perfectionist and that spiral is very familiar! I’ve even found that—sometimes—it is a useful displacement, like when I still travelled internationally I used to obsess about optimising my packing. I realised it was more in my control than worrying about whether the plane would crash, a flight would be cancelled, a war would break out, I might get sick or injured, or I might be miserable and lonely and not have a good time.
I like how you recognize the usefulness of perfectionist spirals here, that framing is exactly what I was trying to portray. And your example about flights is a perfect depiction. Thanks, Michelle
Are you familiar with the work of Nicole Sachs or John Sarno? Nicole Sachs’s work was my introduction to healing from chronic pain—not just coping with it. She explains how certain personality traits, like perfectionism and people-pleasing, can actually make our symptoms worse. They create pressure and stress, keeping the nervous system stuck in a fear state. When the brain senses fear, it assumes we’re in danger and sends out a danger signal—often mistakenly. That signal can show up as pain, nausea, dizziness, or any number of other symptoms.
A big part of my own healing has been working through those perfectionistic and people-pleasing tendencies—understanding why I developed them in the first place and helping those scared parts of me feel safe again.
Working on perfectionism and people pleasing has been a big part of my journey as well. I'm glad it has been helpful for you and brought safety to your life. I will look into Nicole Sachs and John Sarno, thanks for the suggestion
Perfectly imperfect! 👏 This has been a life long struggle for me as well! Constantly practicing balancing my perfectionism spirals with a “just do it” cut-off goals! 🤭
Your spiral was so relatable!!! I was like yes yes, I am familiar. Thank you for sharing this. And as someone who deals with chronic pain, thank you for sharing the correlation. I also appreciate how you encourage grace, and being kind vs the awful response of shame. Appreciate your words as I am working on perfectionism.
Same here. I think both my autistic traits and my chronic illness make my desire stronger for having at least some parts of my life under control … Perfectionism gives me a rigid, driven mindset where even the smallest decisions feel like a matter of life or death.
I can spiral 🌀into perfectionist information seeking, shopping choices, creating order, choosing „the right“ dress style, parenting - just about anything. I am even sometimes acting perfectionist with our dogs and rabbits.
I try to detach („right now, I am acting perfectionist - but I am not a perfectionist“) and to observe myself with gentle curiosity („huh, interesting - I wonder what makes me do this?“).
Perfectionism seems like a form of anxiety to me - and I found helpful approaches both through cognitive behavioral therapy and in Dr. Jud Brewer‘s book „Unwinding Anxiety“ as well as his Substack.
I am also doing right now hypnosis therapy - and through that reconnect with very young and vulnerable parts of myself. I start feeling with a deeper understanding, beyond words just how exposed, helpless, unlovable and shamed I often felt as a child - and how much that is driving my perfectionism today („if I get this 💯% right, maybe they’ll love and accept me…).
Good insights - I can relate! I also find my perfection is always hand in hand with CONTROL, because everyone with chronic illness craves it; and people pleasing/fear of rejection because of 30 years of undiagnosed autism and adhd. Anyways, thanks for the vulnerability!
I resonated so deeply with this post! Perfectionism is an old survival method that so many of us are still gripping to for dear life. But, you’re 100% right, perfectionism breeds shame and shame is a barrier to healing. True healing really does come from accepting yourself in any given moment & treating yourself with compassion, regardless of how you show up that day! Thank you for a wonderful article to start my day! ☺️
It’s taken me until this year to realise that when I instant panic over (real example) the possibility of forgotten eggs (didn’t actually forget them, just panicked) that my body is reacting like it’s a life or death situation!
Practicing the “perfectly imperfect” approach has been a big part of the last 5+ years.
It came around in its cycle again this year - most uncomfortable.
So much tangled up in it as well - fear, control, blame, pressure.
Fear. It's so powerful. Fear of the first few times you try something "after", fear of not knowing what will happen outside your controlled bubble, fear that you can't handle it or 'the worst' scenario occurs. Real or imagined or both. Regardless, our experience of the fear is real. It can cause spirals. It can cause us to push through it and live, with pride that we did it (even if the process was messy!) But mostly, that simple walk or drive or crowd or show or whatever, was terrifying, yet we survived it intact. And, oh, that feeling. Elated, invincible, a bit weak at the thought, but, oh, man, we did it! That too can start a spiral, i think.
Thanks for this post!
"It makes complete sense that people with chronic conditions would tend toward perfectionism. We live in a society that looks at illness as a personal failure, one that suggests that people with chronic illness and chronic pain aren’t trying hard enough to get better, that feeds the delusion that only a certain type of person becomes disabled instead of the truth: that anyone can become disabled at any moment in time. Every. Single. Person."
Whenever someone brings up perfectionism and chronic illness my hackles go up, because usually it is in this context of perfectionism *making* us sick somehow (the idea that we want to be perfect so we burn out or whatever). Which I hate because it feels blamey, like somehow by trying too hard I made myself sick? (How defeating!) But I love how you articulated that its actually the opposite, or at least way more complicated than that (some positive feedback cycle of the two paired together).
Exactly, Molly! My goal is always to come at coping strategies from a place of understanding, love, and acceptance vs blame.
Chronic illnesses & chronic perfectionism here. And I’ll admit that starting my Substack @crookedpathstudios flamed those perfectionist tendencies. What I realized building my site and making my first post was that this is an iterative learning process & this platform doesn’t need you to be perfect & polished.
Yes! Starting my Substack was a great exercise for working on my own perfectionism. Well done!
Recovering perfectionist and that spiral is very familiar! I’ve even found that—sometimes—it is a useful displacement, like when I still travelled internationally I used to obsess about optimising my packing. I realised it was more in my control than worrying about whether the plane would crash, a flight would be cancelled, a war would break out, I might get sick or injured, or I might be miserable and lonely and not have a good time.
I like how you recognize the usefulness of perfectionist spirals here, that framing is exactly what I was trying to portray. And your example about flights is a perfect depiction. Thanks, Michelle
Are you familiar with the work of Nicole Sachs or John Sarno? Nicole Sachs’s work was my introduction to healing from chronic pain—not just coping with it. She explains how certain personality traits, like perfectionism and people-pleasing, can actually make our symptoms worse. They create pressure and stress, keeping the nervous system stuck in a fear state. When the brain senses fear, it assumes we’re in danger and sends out a danger signal—often mistakenly. That signal can show up as pain, nausea, dizziness, or any number of other symptoms.
A big part of my own healing has been working through those perfectionistic and people-pleasing tendencies—understanding why I developed them in the first place and helping those scared parts of me feel safe again.
Working on perfectionism and people pleasing has been a big part of my journey as well. I'm glad it has been helpful for you and brought safety to your life. I will look into Nicole Sachs and John Sarno, thanks for the suggestion
Perfectly imperfect! 👏 This has been a life long struggle for me as well! Constantly practicing balancing my perfectionism spirals with a “just do it” cut-off goals! 🤭
Your spiral was so relatable!!! I was like yes yes, I am familiar. Thank you for sharing this. And as someone who deals with chronic pain, thank you for sharing the correlation. I also appreciate how you encourage grace, and being kind vs the awful response of shame. Appreciate your words as I am working on perfectionism.
Thanks, Mindy. I'm glad the framing of grace came through for you. Best of luck on your journey
Same here. I think both my autistic traits and my chronic illness make my desire stronger for having at least some parts of my life under control … Perfectionism gives me a rigid, driven mindset where even the smallest decisions feel like a matter of life or death.
I can spiral 🌀into perfectionist information seeking, shopping choices, creating order, choosing „the right“ dress style, parenting - just about anything. I am even sometimes acting perfectionist with our dogs and rabbits.
I try to detach („right now, I am acting perfectionist - but I am not a perfectionist“) and to observe myself with gentle curiosity („huh, interesting - I wonder what makes me do this?“).
Perfectionism seems like a form of anxiety to me - and I found helpful approaches both through cognitive behavioral therapy and in Dr. Jud Brewer‘s book „Unwinding Anxiety“ as well as his Substack.
I am also doing right now hypnosis therapy - and through that reconnect with very young and vulnerable parts of myself. I start feeling with a deeper understanding, beyond words just how exposed, helpless, unlovable and shamed I often felt as a child - and how much that is driving my perfectionism today („if I get this 💯% right, maybe they’ll love and accept me…).
I'm so glad you are finding ways to support yourself. It sounds like you have a really kind attitude toward your healing, I love to see that <3
Good insights - I can relate! I also find my perfection is always hand in hand with CONTROL, because everyone with chronic illness craves it; and people pleasing/fear of rejection because of 30 years of undiagnosed autism and adhd. Anyways, thanks for the vulnerability!
Control would be nice!! Thanks for being here, Karis.
I resonated so deeply with this post! Perfectionism is an old survival method that so many of us are still gripping to for dear life. But, you’re 100% right, perfectionism breeds shame and shame is a barrier to healing. True healing really does come from accepting yourself in any given moment & treating yourself with compassion, regardless of how you show up that day! Thank you for a wonderful article to start my day! ☺️
You summarized healing/shame/perfectionism so well here! Thanks for reading, Martine.
So helpful to see it written out in this way!
It’s taken me until this year to realise that when I instant panic over (real example) the possibility of forgotten eggs (didn’t actually forget them, just panicked) that my body is reacting like it’s a life or death situation!
Practicing the “perfectly imperfect” approach has been a big part of the last 5+ years.
It came around in its cycle again this year - most uncomfortable.
So much tangled up in it as well - fear, control, blame, pressure.
Fear. It's so powerful. Fear of the first few times you try something "after", fear of not knowing what will happen outside your controlled bubble, fear that you can't handle it or 'the worst' scenario occurs. Real or imagined or both. Regardless, our experience of the fear is real. It can cause spirals. It can cause us to push through it and live, with pride that we did it (even if the process was messy!) But mostly, that simple walk or drive or crowd or show or whatever, was terrifying, yet we survived it intact. And, oh, that feeling. Elated, invincible, a bit weak at the thought, but, oh, man, we did it! That too can start a spiral, i think.