where art thou, ambition?

Four Stages of Ambition Transformation -- a new model I created

I find it so beautiful that matter in our universe cannot be created or destroyed — that it only changes and shifts forms, finding new life in its transformation (read more about the law of conservation of mass). For example, when you burn wood for a campfire, it looks as though the wood has disappeared. But in reality, it has taken on new forms: smoke, ash, carbon dioxide. The wood hasn’t disappeared; it has merely moved on, forging a different path given its unfortunate circumstances (being burned alive). And then, how magical that the carbon dioxide released may be the very sustenance necessary to nourish a plant, aiding in its process of photosynthesis. The world is so intricately connected.

ID: depiction of the law of conservation of mass through the example of burning wood

Maybe ambition cannot be created or destroyed, too. Maybe when you become severely ill, or have any other life-altering crisis, your ambition just needs help becoming smoke, ash, or carbon dioxide. I propose here a new model called the Four Stages of Ambition Transformation, which I’ll illustrate through my own experiences (this is starting to sound like an academic paper teehee).

STAGE ONE: AMBITION CRISIS

I chose to pursue a PhD in clinical psychology because of the unique opportunity to be trained as both a researcher and as a therapist. The idea is that your scientific inquiry is informed by the clinical work you do, one-on-one, with clients in the therapy room. I fully embraced this idea and envisioned myself as both a research professor and a therapist, seeing a few clients per week.

But my body couldn’t manage the absurd amount of work this degree requires. First, I gave up clinical work, and shortly after, I let go of the idea of becoming a research professor — two decisions that I tossed and turned over, convincing myself that I had a choice, when in reality, illness had chosen for me long before my acceptance caught up. Far too often, illness feels like an unwanted board member, vetoing the executive decisions you'd like to pass in the business of your own life.

I had once had well-defined goals, but they were now deemed obsolete by my physical limitations. I simply did not know who I was without the ambition that had driven me to pursue my PhD. I wasn’t just having an ambition crisis… I was having a full-blown identity crisis. Letting go of my future as a therapist and a professor catapulted me into a reality where I felt like I was losing parts of myself faster than the whole of me could keep up.

[I shortened this section significantly because I don’t think you care about the minute details of my career trajectory, but it was a helpful exercise and I recommend writing in depth about your own ambition crisis]

STAGE TWO: AMBITION REEVALUATION

I’ve always been ambitious — I was the only student in my middle school class to get straight A’s all six semesters, something I burned into my memory after paying obsessive attention to who made the “A Honor Roll” each semester. Now I recognize this drive for all A’s as perfectionism, not ambition. I think I had a literal fear about what would happen if I saw a B on my report card — it felt unsafe, though why is a topic for another essay.

I used to daydream about the types of achievements I would accomplish — student body president, awards, Ivy League schools — but not about the impact those achievements would have. This, in hindsight, was a BRIGHT, FLASHY, BLINKING, NEON indication that my ambition stemmed from an unhealthy seed and needed serious reevaluation. Illness forced me to confront my relationship with achievement and slowly build a new, healthier foundation.

for you: what motivates your ambition?

STAGE THREE: AMBITION TRANSFORMATION

So there I was, in a PhD program for multiple careers I could no longer pursue due to my health. I desperately needed an outlet for my trapped ambition, so I channeled it into healing with the determination of a toddler who absolutely must use an unsafe object as a toy.

If I couldn’t be a star academic, I would be a star patient. Someone who was willing to work hard! Someone who saw results! I attended every single appointment, even when I was on the brink of medical burnout. At one point, I was seeing three different physical therapists. There were the endless trials of medical and non-medical treatments. A million new specialists. Researching all the best remedies like it would make me forget that my PhD research now felt pointless. I went to therapy to manage the emotional toll, but that wasn’t cutting it, so I also read books to cope with the trauma that treatment wasn’t working. My ambition had a singular goal: to get me to a place where I could stop the endless loss and grief. At some point there had to be a limit to how much I would need to give up, right?

But it didn’t end… I was dejected from lack of results. As my health deteriorated, so did my ambitious plans for any future outside of my bed. But unlike the campfire wood, I could not see any smoke or ash. My ambition was buried under deep waves of grief. For close to a year, I believe that my ambition was trapped in my body, wreaking havoc, manifesting as depression, stagnancy, and a total lack of motivation.

Why is it that growth seems to wait until you hit rock bottom? When my ambitious plan to heal also failed, I slowly started to unlearn some unhealthy narratives. I disentangled my worth from productivity. I did a deep excavation of my internalized ableism. I freed myself from the grip of perfectionism. And I emerged with a new, juicier, more lush relationship with ambition.

STAGE FOUR: AMBITION REDEFINED

Here’s where I’m at now: maybe ambition isn’t only about accomplishment. Maybe equating ambition with accomplishment is a disservice to the true essence of ambition. What if ambition is anything we’re passionate about, something we pour our hearts into, regardless of the subject, the time it takes, or the outcome? What if confining the definition of ambition to the realm of career is a disservice to the full range of human experience?

For example, I believe that my dedication to the present moment, even and especially in times of pain, is ambitious. I believe my daily meditation practice is ambitious. I believe my decision to say “good morning” to the sun each AM when I twist open my blinds, so that I start my day with an acknowledgment of nature, the universe, and my gratitude, is ambitious. And I believe the way I have managed such shitty, shitty things happening to my body, yet have still found a way to experience daily joy, is ambitious.

Maybe ambition is really about committing to a life that brings you beauty and joy, and yes, sometimes that includes career. But many of us, myself included, were taught that ambition is only measured by career success and accomplishment, and I just don’t believe that to be true anymore.

So I’d like to leave you with this thought, especially if you’re an ambitious sick person: if you believed your ambition couldn’t be created or destroyed, only transformed, how would that change your perspective? Does ambition truly require a healthy body or is that only one way of defining it?

Lots of love,

Dr. Talia <3

By the way, did you notice that I updated the name of the newsletter from “Chronically Thinking about Chronic Illness” to “Thinking, Chronically”? CTACI was clunky and too long for logos!! Thinking, Chronically is catchier, a little flirty, and easier to fit into visual representations. Plus, by leaving out the words “chronic illness,” I feel that I’ll have more freedom to write about other topics I think a lot about like mental health, emotions, and creativity. We’ll see where life takes me. Look at this cutie wordmark that I made. Love that I started this newsletter without having everything figured out and I’m just letting it grow in time!

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Some previous posts you may enjoy:

when my body tells me to grieve, i say yes; the hard truths we must accept to embrace pacing for chronic illness; i’m done shaming myself for ordering food delivery; on “worthy” time while sick