Damn. Thank you for putting words to a big thing I’ve been struggling with and processing in my own therapy. It’s felt extremely hard to figure out how to handle all the ambition and drive I have, now that I have a body and brain that can’t keep up with it all. It’s been complicated to unpack all the layers and motivations under this and I still have a ways to go, but I appreciate the idea of thinking of this as not being forced to slow down but instead shifting the ambition…maybe alchemizing it? I appreciate your words here and will continue to ponder this.
So eloquently and thoughtfully put, again ✏️🪄 I opened Substack this morning to look for something (anything) you’d written, knowing it’d bring me out of the spicy pain and fatigue slump. This one was so close to the grief I’m carrying. I am just about to start a new round of medical treatment (it’s exciting!) and am having this overwhelming bought of comparison to my life before. Like the ambitions, hopes and achievements of career focused researcher me overshadow those that are real in my life now. I believe that they don’t, but wow, I want to ambitiously seek feeling that they don’t. I’m going to head down to the river today for some ambitious nature seeking and reflections 💚 thank you, Tahlia, for sharing vulnerably and wisely with us xxx
I really really understand the comparison to the old life, it’s so tough. Love the phrase “ambitious nature seeking.” It is ambitious that while starting a new treatment you’re making time to get outside and find joy! And I’m so glad my words have been resonating with you 💗
I became disabled due to chronic illness in the middle of an engineering degree, and the way I was ready to drive myself into the ground to keep getting A’s makes this essay hit right in the feels ❤️. I had to do a lot of grieving that I wasn’t going to be the type of engineer I imagined, a career I had planned since 7th grade. It was hard to see a place for someone like me because all of the professional engineers that came to speak in class were white able bodied men talking about how important it was to overwork yourself at the beginning of your career to stand out.
I’ve been thinking about ambition lately especially after I watch this video essay about how it is portrayed in Hollywood (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BucSbzYXqKM&pp=ygUSSG9sbHl3b29kIGFtYml0aW9u). And coming back to the present, finding small moments of joy and gratitude in my current housebound life have helped with the ambition, but that perfectionism is still there.
I found you on Instagram one day and I’m so glad I gave your substack a follow! Thanks for sharing your experience and putting these things into words. It makes me feel less alone ❤️
It’s so difficult to give up on the goals we expected to work out :( I’m glad you’re finding small moments of joy and gratitude in the day-to-day, that’s what life is about! And thanks for the essay link, looking forward to watching
Once again a beautiful, dare I say ambitious, blend of resonant personal experience and steps to guide the perplexed.
My favorite part: "I believe that my dedication to the present moment, even and especially in times of pain, is ambitious. I believe my daily meditation practice is ambitious. I believe my decision to say “good morning” to the sun each AM when I twist open my blinds, so that I start my day with an acknowledgment of nature, the universe, and my gratitude, is ambitious. "
This is a gift. Thank you for your persistent heart (and body).
Been looking for something just like this! I am 1000% and ambitious sick person and it feels like that phrase articulates a lot of what I am feeling right now. I am a star patient too, and have been feeling in just the past few days and weeks that it’s time for something different. The illness has shown me new layers of severity which have crushed and muted my plans. I’m now laying on my couch wondering if I will get to do the reasonable goals I set out for myself in doing what seemed to me like an accessible career. The situation now is that I don’t know, and I won’t know. It’s so strange to want to let go of my career ambitions (even paired down goals) while also not letting them go entirely as the illness changes over time. I am disoriented, and don’t know what to hold on to. It’s especially hard when some people around me ask about how long until I am better, forcing me back into that narrative.
This piece makes me feel less alone in this struggle. I will revisit it too, and probably take your suggestions for areas to think more about and dive into. Love to you.
PS I love your little fun comments along the way, makes me smile
Damn. Thank you for putting words to a big thing I’ve been struggling with and processing in my own therapy. It’s felt extremely hard to figure out how to handle all the ambition and drive I have, now that I have a body and brain that can’t keep up with it all. It’s been complicated to unpack all the layers and motivations under this and I still have a ways to go, but I appreciate the idea of thinking of this as not being forced to slow down but instead shifting the ambition…maybe alchemizing it? I appreciate your words here and will continue to ponder this.
I totally get this! The layers seem endless and redirecting and redefining ambition for yourself takes time, but it’s so worth it
So eloquently and thoughtfully put, again ✏️🪄 I opened Substack this morning to look for something (anything) you’d written, knowing it’d bring me out of the spicy pain and fatigue slump. This one was so close to the grief I’m carrying. I am just about to start a new round of medical treatment (it’s exciting!) and am having this overwhelming bought of comparison to my life before. Like the ambitions, hopes and achievements of career focused researcher me overshadow those that are real in my life now. I believe that they don’t, but wow, I want to ambitiously seek feeling that they don’t. I’m going to head down to the river today for some ambitious nature seeking and reflections 💚 thank you, Tahlia, for sharing vulnerably and wisely with us xxx
I really really understand the comparison to the old life, it’s so tough. Love the phrase “ambitious nature seeking.” It is ambitious that while starting a new treatment you’re making time to get outside and find joy! And I’m so glad my words have been resonating with you 💗
I became disabled due to chronic illness in the middle of an engineering degree, and the way I was ready to drive myself into the ground to keep getting A’s makes this essay hit right in the feels ❤️. I had to do a lot of grieving that I wasn’t going to be the type of engineer I imagined, a career I had planned since 7th grade. It was hard to see a place for someone like me because all of the professional engineers that came to speak in class were white able bodied men talking about how important it was to overwork yourself at the beginning of your career to stand out.
I’ve been thinking about ambition lately especially after I watch this video essay about how it is portrayed in Hollywood (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BucSbzYXqKM&pp=ygUSSG9sbHl3b29kIGFtYml0aW9u). And coming back to the present, finding small moments of joy and gratitude in my current housebound life have helped with the ambition, but that perfectionism is still there.
I found you on Instagram one day and I’m so glad I gave your substack a follow! Thanks for sharing your experience and putting these things into words. It makes me feel less alone ❤️
It’s so difficult to give up on the goals we expected to work out :( I’m glad you’re finding small moments of joy and gratitude in the day-to-day, that’s what life is about! And thanks for the essay link, looking forward to watching
Once again a beautiful, dare I say ambitious, blend of resonant personal experience and steps to guide the perplexed.
My favorite part: "I believe that my dedication to the present moment, even and especially in times of pain, is ambitious. I believe my daily meditation practice is ambitious. I believe my decision to say “good morning” to the sun each AM when I twist open my blinds, so that I start my day with an acknowledgment of nature, the universe, and my gratitude, is ambitious. "
This is a gift. Thank you for your persistent heart (and body).
Thank you so much for the kind words, Margo. It’s felt really freeing to redefine what ambition means in my life
Been looking for something just like this! I am 1000% and ambitious sick person and it feels like that phrase articulates a lot of what I am feeling right now. I am a star patient too, and have been feeling in just the past few days and weeks that it’s time for something different. The illness has shown me new layers of severity which have crushed and muted my plans. I’m now laying on my couch wondering if I will get to do the reasonable goals I set out for myself in doing what seemed to me like an accessible career. The situation now is that I don’t know, and I won’t know. It’s so strange to want to let go of my career ambitions (even paired down goals) while also not letting them go entirely as the illness changes over time. I am disoriented, and don’t know what to hold on to. It’s especially hard when some people around me ask about how long until I am better, forcing me back into that narrative.
This piece makes me feel less alone in this struggle. I will revisit it too, and probably take your suggestions for areas to think more about and dive into. Love to you.
PS I love your little fun comments along the way, makes me smile