you can be nice to yourself during a flare

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Photo by Jeremy Bishop

My self-criticism during negative experiences began when I was too young to make informed decisions about how I wanted to live my life — too young to understand that the full spectrum of human emotions is both acceptable and necessary. My little brain was consumed instead by interpreting and deciphering the intricacies of my confusing childhood environment, ultimately landing on the internalized belief that any negative emotion was indicative of something wrong with me.

Thus, without choice, or intention, I became a self-meany (sometimes brain fog produces linguistic gems like the term “self-meany,” so to honor my brain fog, I have decided to double-down and keep this phrase). When you’re a self-meany, it’s comparable to the worst kind of friend — one that says out-of-pocket shit and pretends the comments are for your own benefit. For many, being a self-meany becomes a job, and it’s a job people with chronic illness do too well.

sneaky, sneaky

Self-criticism can be sneaky — cloaked by achievement-seeking and attaining, people-pleasing, and hiding authenticity. Let’s remember that self-criticism has a purpose. It can protect us from our fears like rejection, loneliness, and being perceived.

To illustrate, when I’m deep in a chronic illness flare my mind becomes inundated with a flood of mean thoughts. I’ll never get better. My body constantly fails me. I won’t be able to live the life I want to live. I’m gross and unattractive. No one will ever love me. I’m a burden. People will keep abandoning me because I’m too sick. Kinda awful to read someone else say about themselves, isn’t it? So what purpose could these thoughts possibly have for me? Maybe to “prepare” me for additional abandonment like I’ve already experienced due to my body. Maybe they’re a desperate attempt to activate me into healing mode which disguises how out-of-control I feel in my body. Maybe the thoughts are a plea to the increasingly smaller part of me that still feels I’m making up my illnesses.

[reflection for you: what are your most prevalent mean thoughts during a flare?]

It took developing and cultivating a self-compassion skillset to even begin counteracting the mean-thought inundation, especially during a flare.

self-compassion is not overhyped

“Self-compassion is not overhyped,” wrote a woman who used to believe self-compassion was overhyped. Self-compassion used to feel futile, unproductive, and very uncomfortable. I can remember that my body would buzz with unease when others tried to persuade me to be kind to myself. When self-compassion feels like an uncomfortable, meaningless activity, it’s a sign that something deeper is off. Difficulty with self-compassion can point to low self-esteem, unprocessed trauma, and unmet emotional needs, among other things. I can now recognize that devaluing the utility of self-compassion was the self-meany digging its slimy little fingers into my brain and trying to keep me under its lifelong spell.

Unfortunately, there is no easy fix to developing self-compassion. There’s no switch to flip that suddenly makes self-compassion effortless. Building a self-compassion skillset means attempting to show up with kindness toward yourself every day. It’s starting with small moments of kindness so when more difficult situations — like a flare — arise, you’ve already had practice.

let’s get scientific

Humor me while I put my PhD hat on and tell you about some science related to self-compassion and illness.

Researcher and self-compassion expert Dr. Kristin Neff has identified three key qualities that define self-compassion during moments of suffering.

1. An individual practices self-kindness instead of self-judgment.

2. An individual recognizes the common humanity in their suffering, instead of feeling isolated and alone.

3. An individual is able to practice awareness of their thoughts and experiences, instead of over-identifying with them or avoiding or repressing them.

A recent meta-analysis - a study that combines the results of many studies - investigated the connection between self-compassion and distress for chronically ill people across diagnoses. The results were clear: a cultivated self-compassion practice was linked to less psychological distress (emotional stress/suffering).

This finding is important for two reasons: first, distress is, well, incredibly unpleasant. But more importantly, we know that stress activates the sympathetic nervous system, keeping the body in a state of alarm. When the body is stuck in fight-or-flight mode, physical symptoms can be exacerbated leading to more intense flares and pain. No one wants that.

back down self-meany, be nice

During this most recent debilitating flare, I was nice to myself. That’s not to say the mean thoughts didn’t come up, or that I was some angelic beacon of positivity. But I did proactively decide to not contribute unnecessary emotional suffering to my already overwhelming physical suffering. I…

1. Used self-kindness by acknowledging how difficult it is to feel so unable to control my body. I was also kind to myself by allowing myself to rest and not judging myself for it.

2. I appreciated the common human suffering in my experience — that anyone going through debilitating illness would be understandably down. I recognized that there are other people in the world who understand chronic illness, and I reached out for help.

3. I was aware of my thoughts and my body sensations, both negative and positive, without getting carried away by either.

So, if you’re a lifelong self-meany, there’s hope. It’s never too late to start showing yourself compassion.

Reflection for you: does self-criticism serve you, if yes, how? How can you show kindness instead of judgment toward yourself during a flare? What would it feel like to meet your hardships with self-compassion?

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Did you miss my previous posts?

chronic illness optimism vs. non-acceptance; on wishing for a different body; the hard truths we must accept to embrace pacing for chronic illness; the agony I was bearing by not speaking openly about chronic illness; chronic illness will break your heart

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